The world will end on January 31, 2873

The gods in heaven and hell were up to mischief on this, the last day of January 2007. Today will go down in history as the day when D.C. Metro police learned to use that newfangled telephone, Boston embarrassed itself in front of the nation, and Flipper became an enemy of the state. From this day forward, January 31 will never be the same for me. Or for the country.

Here is how the day unfolded:

3 a.m. -- Suspicious packages found at Braddock Road station in Alexandria, Virginia.

3:14 a.m. -- Alexandria police call Metro police.

3:18 a.m. -- Alexandria police call Metro police. Again. From The Post: "On the first call, the dispatcher said: 'Hey, I want to double-check -- you have a bomb dog that's going to be assisting there at the Braddock Metro, right?' The Metro police dispatcher 'stated that they did not have a bomb dog assisting' and hung up." Way to build up our confidence, fellas.

5 a.m. -- Virginia State Police team finally arrives, followed by Metro's explosives technicians. Good thing it wasn't a real bomb.

8:05 a.m. -- In Boston, a train passenger notices "what was described as an object with wires and tubes stuck on a steel support girder underneath Interstate 93, about 12 to 15 feet above the bus depot at Sullivan Square Station in Charlestown."

9:26 a.m. -- Suspicious activity reported in the D.C. metro. All trains pull to a stop. In the tunnels. In the dark. With me on board. For the next 15 minutes. Dying in a metro tunnel ranks up there with death by plummeting off the world's most dangerous road.

9:47 a.m. -- A short circuit in an electrical line causes a fire in a D.C metro station ... for the second day in a row. The station closes.

10:48 a.m. -- The station reopens.

10:59 a.m. -- The station closes.

11:40 a.m. -- The station reopens. For real. Promise.

11:00 a.m. -- Visitors in Key West call 911 because a dolphin in a tank surfaced with several items, including one that looked like a homemade bomb. It turned out to be a toy. My question is, who was the person who identified the toy as a homemade bomb? Would you recognize a homemade bomb in a dolphin tank? Not me.

1:00 p.m. -- Meanwhile, back in Boston, the police continue to receive calls about these suspicious objects throughout the metropolitan area.

4:00 p.m. -- City and state officials hold a press conference to quell fears and Turner Broadcasting admits it was a publicity stunt. Turns out, the objects were cartoon characters promoting a new show. Seriously, Boston? You confused a cartoon character giving you the finger with a bomb?!