... in order to get those sneaky al Qaeda guys. And one of our submarines crashed into a Japanese merchant ship. And there's a mystery stench settling over Manhattan. And one Metro subway car was derailed. And a bunch of 747 cargo doors fell onto some guy's house in California. And I'm convinced that we'd be much safer if we replaced the airport security force with a group of bar room bouncers.
We all know that those TSA jokesters couldn't save us from a paper bag. And they sure as hell aren't inspecting nothin' when we walk through the metal detectors devoid of shoes, belts, watches, jewelry and other accessories. But, man, they can spot a plastic bottle containing 3.02 oz of liquid faster'n the hurled insults from Rosie to Donald (with love).
When I went to check in a bag at Reagan Airport over the break, I was shocked when the ticket agent wished me a happy birthday. Shoot, even I had forgotten that it was my birthday. Sadly enough, when I went through security, there was no acknowledgement whatsoever. So I started thinking about all those times that I tried to get into bars with fewer than 21 birthdays behind me. It hardly ever worked. I even got carded during the Memphis trip at the Mississippi casino that my parents took me to because of the all-you-can-eat buffet with lobster tail and Alaskan King crab legs. We're so Asian. (But you know, casinos are such equal opportunity establishments. Young and old, male and female, straight and gay, red, yellow, black and white can all come together under the noble endeavors of losing money and eating lobster tails. Fascinating.)
But what if we had bouncers operating as TSA agents? I'm telling you, nothing would get by these guys. They know every state's license, they can spot a fake in 13 seconds flat, and they have expertise in exerting physical force. I think I'm on to something....
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