Girl Meets Guinness

A play in three acts. A true story. By The Lady V.

ACT I

Girl sidles up to bar in a typical Irish pub. Wooded walls, Guinness signs, sticky floor, etc.

GIRL: Barkeep, could I get a Guinness and a Smithwicks?

BARKEEP: Sure.

Girl waits patiently, notices a small, bearded, un-cute man in a sweater next to her.

BEARD: Hey.

GIRL (a little wary): Hey.

BEARD: What perfume are you wearing?

GIRL: Dude, I'm not wearing any. It must be someone else.

BEARD: No, it's you. You smell like a girl I knew in middle school.

GIRL (slightly freaked, thinking who the hell says that?): Um. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

BEARD: Oh, it's a good thing.

Awkward pause. Girl is relieved to see the bartender with two beers coming her way.

BEARD: Do you use Herbal Essence?

GIRL (now totally freaked out, thinking BEARD has just stuck his nose in her hair): Uh, yeah. But that's not at all okay for you to say that.

Girl throws down money, grabs the beers, leaves the bar.

ACT II

Girl is now near the stage, eagerly waiting for the band, a group of Ukrainian men who play Irish music. (weird, right?) She's with friends.

FRIEND 1 (male): I hear this band is fantastic.

GIRL: Do you think they're single?

FRIEND 1: I have a source. Let me find out.

Friend leaves in search of "source." Band starts to play. All four men are hot. Especially the one on fiddle and the one on guitar. Hot like I want to jump you, tear off your clothes and take you down on stage right now hot. Friend 1 returns.

FRIEND 1: My source says the fiddler is single but that "he's mine."

GIRL: Yeah, well, that's what she thinks. But what about the guitarist?

FRIEND 1: Let me find out. It'll give me another excuse to talk to my source.

Band is rockin' out, Girl starts dancing with her friends. The dancing is more like a let's be silly and fun and do a jig and be The Lady V O'Leary for the night. It is Irish music, after all.

FRIEND 2 (female): I want the fiddler.

GIRL: Okay, I'll take the guitarist.

FRIEND 3 (male) : Are you guys really talking about the guys in the band?

GIRL and FRIEND 2: Hellz, yeah.

Girl notices the semi-cute boy next to her who keeps looking over.

BOY: You're a great dancer.

Boy ceases to be semi-cute. Girl moves on.

ACT III

Girl makes eye contact with the beautiful specimen on guitar. He grins. She grins back. Hot guitarist winks at Girl. Friend 1 chooses this instant to drop his pint of Guinness on Girl's bag.

The end.